Running With the Black Dog

A lonely house on Bardon Moor

About six weeks ago, my GP told me that I was depressed and that I needed to do something about it. Actually, I told him that I thought I had depression and he agreed with me. The first thing he told me to do was to step away from work for a while - he wrote a nice note for my employer (I'm self employed). Things did ease up a little, but after a month he prescribed some anti-depressants, which don't seem to have had the desired impact yet, but they have had some interesting side-effects (more of that later).

So what does my depression look like? I don't want to go into detail in what is a running blog, but there are a few main impacts. The first is that the world seems dull, the only way I can describe it is by saying that everything seems to be in black and white. The second is that I struggle to sleep, even more than usual. Finally, I really can't concentrate on anything. Whether it is work, leisure or doing stuff in the garden, after about half an hour, I don't seem to be able to keep going. I'm aware of how pathetic that sounds and I keep telling myself that I should just pull myself together and get on with life. The problem is that I just don't seem to be able to do so and the associated Protestant-work-ethic guilt doesn't help very much. 

So let's talk about running. So, after the Spine Challenger, I wasn't ready to run a great deal for a couple of weeks; that's fine. The thing is, I struggled to motivate myself to run afterwards, too. They say that the hardest step on any run is the one that gets you out of your front door; and that's a step that I've struggled to take. 

However, after a week or two, I forced myself to get back in the saddle and planned a 20 mile run in the hills around Gargrave as I had an ultra coming up. I started well, running strong and enjoying myself, but after five miles or so, I began to feel incredibly tired. I eventually cut things short and took an alternative route back to the start. After about ten miles, I was unable to run and even walking was a bit of an effort. It seemed that my glasses had got dirty, because my sight was a little cloudy. When I got back to the car, I cleaned my specs and set off home. About half way back, I developed an alarming case of double vision which made it look as if there were two of every car on the road, one of which was heading directly at me. Thankfully, I didn't have far to go to get home. At this point, I'd been taking the anti-depressants about ten days and the side effects had kicked in. 

Cutting a run short does have some compensations

For the next week or so, I was unable to do just about anything as I was so very, very tired. In the end, I had to pull out of the ultra and didn't even feel well enough to volunteer.

I did see an optician about the double-vision, she reckoned that it is a combination of my eyes having changed over the last year or so and then a combination of fatigue and the muscle relaxant impact of the medicines meaning that for a while I wasn't able to correct my sight the way that I had been doing naturally. Thankfully, I've not really had a repeat episode.

Thankfully, the worst of the side effects seem to have passed, though I'm still feeling some of the symptoms of depression - but they may be fading. 

One of the things that I've been advised to do, is to do things that make me happy. When I can drag myself over the front door step, running makes me very happy indeed. Today, I planned to go for a twelve mile run around the skyline from Embsay to Cracoe. I plotted the route on the OS map and exported it to my watch. When I set off, I discovered that the route wasn't actually on my watch and (symptoms of depression) I couldn't be bothered to sort it out, and just set off following the route from the GPS on my phone. Of course, my phone is in my bum bag and not on my wrist, so it is no where near as convenient. As a result, I took a wrong path right at the start. It was heading in the right direction, so it didn't really matter, though it was longer and over much rougher terrain than the main path that I was supposed to be on. Hey ho.

The weather forecast was for sunshine, but it was actually rather cloudy with a lot of wind, rain and drizzle - proper running weather, though not very good for views. A few hours later, sitting at my laptop, there is hardly a cloud in the sky. 

The run was glorious. Miles and miles of lonely moors. Apart from first and last mile which were in a popular dog walking area, I only saw one other person. I'm noticeably not as strong as I was a couple of months ago and comfort eating hasn't exactly helped me run up hills! However, for the first eight miles or so, I was strong and running well (whatever my Strava account says). It felt so good to be up on a ridge with the wind and drizzle in my face; it's good to be alive! My left knee which has been troubling my for a couple of months behaved itself, though I my plantar-fasciitis did kick in around mile 8 and couldn't be entirely alleviated by stretching. I didn't put myself under pressure and when I wanted to walk, I walked.

If I'd taken the route that I'd planned, I'd never have seen this little waterfall

The ridge above Cracoe

So, what's next? I have to push myself to keep running. However, I'm probably not going to be doing any "sessions" in the near future; no timed sprints or drills to improve my strength and lung capacity. I'm going to get up into the high country where I have most of my fun and if my speed and stamina suffer for that, so be it. I'll get back to the drills in the winter. 

Why have I written this? There are a few reasons. The first is that it helps me to process what I'm going through. If no one ever reads it, it will still help me to have written it. Another reason is that I think we need to be more open about mental health. I'm a happily married, well qualified bloke with a good job, but I can still get depressed and I need to admit that this is the case. However, it is also important to realise that depression doesn't mean that you have no capacity for fun or joy. Lastly, it might just help someone else to realise that others go through similar experiences. I'm new to this depression lark and others have wrestled with it for far longer, but if by being open I can empathise with others or encourage them to see their GP, then these pixels will have been well spent. 

An old bloke spoiling the view of Embsay Crag